Recently I expressed an opinion to a close friend on a somewhat controversial topic. The reaction took me by surprise. It felt like our friendship came to a sudden and dramatic end. Unable to believe what she had just heard me say, her emotions governed her communication and we parted.
To me it felt like her hitherto open-mindedness was a facade. When the chips were down, and the differences became wide, her enlightened mind exited swiftly stage left.
Happily, we recovered, and some useful observations can be made, with an important question at the end.
- Whenever you express an opinion that could be disagreed with, deliver it in a way that is sensitive (not pandering) to the emotional state of the other party.
- Consider their likely position based on what you already know about them, and also, how it fits the historic pattern of your interactions.
- Progressively, it might be worth raising the value of tolerance for those who differ from you. That doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone but, accepting that they have a right to think and feel the way they do.
- When you agree to disagree, make sure you are sincere (and good-humoured). Accept them as a person and cheerfully acknowledge (openly) that you’re “not on the same page on this one.”
- Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. You differ maybe on one or two points, but agree on hundreds of others, and overall are still really good friends.
- As Stephen Covey would say, “seek first to understand.” If they are expressing an opinion counter to your own, they must have a reason, and a reason that they believe is right and valid. “I wonder why they believe that?”
- Chill out. Oft times our emotions exaggerate the importance of points of difference. Keep a cool head and a sense of perspective. Does it really matter that much?
And here’s the question: How good is your skill of disagreeing while maintaining good relations? Mine could be improved for sure, as this little enlightening episode bears witness!
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