I wonder, if you respect someone – maybe a colleague or a stakeholder – why? What is it about that that causes you to respect them?
It’s worth pausing a few moments and thinking about a few people you respect in your life. Why do you respect them?
The way you award respect can make a massive difference to the quality of your relationships.
Most people tend to answer that they respect the other person’s knowledge, expertise, skill or whatever. They may even respect them because of the way they treat others, or their direct and honest way of communicating.
That is all well and good, except, there is a problem.
The problem is that these are all judgments and usually these are conveyed to the other person, even if carefully hidden.
What’s wrong with that you may ask?
It is an attempt, which is usually successful, to establish what we call in Adlerian psychology a vertical relationship. “I am better than you because I can decide if you are good or not.” “Oh, thank you gov’ner, thank you very much, now I feel much better.”
You may not intend to do that, but that is what is likely to happen – unless they reject the attempt with a muffled “Patronising git.”
The healthy way to respect others is first and foremost to respect them as people, just as they are. Plain and simple.
They are a human being just as you are. What ever they are doing, saying or thinking is up to them, their choice, just as what you do is your choice.
Instead of respecting their expertise, respect them as an individual human being first. Then quietly, or not so quietly, appreciate them for what they bring to the party, or engage in constructive dialogue and negotiation to narrow the gap between you.
That means saying “thank you”, rather than “aren’t you good”.
In this manner, there will be a strong and healthy undertone to your relationships that will invite reciprocity, goodwill, and the desire to help and support you and your endeavours.
Colin Gautrey
Provocative Coach/Mentor | Specialism: Impact and Influence
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