Nita (a coaching client) had just finished an adversarial meeting with an important stakeholder (let’s call her Sonja). It had not gone well, and Nita was angry and frustrated by the objections Sonja was throwing at her.
After letting the feelings flow for a few minutes while the story was tumbling out, I interrupted Nita by saying that I thought she was wrong. “From what you are saying, it seems to me that Sonja is just trying her hardest to do a good job and achieve her objectives, and you are simply frustrating her efforts.”
That was all I said, and we moved on to other topics.
Two months later, without any further discussion on the subject, I was delighted to learn that Sonja had become a raving fan of Nita and what she was doing. Sonja had done more than requested and was proactively looking to do more. Here’s how Nita explained the turnaround:
“When you interrupted me like that you stopped me dead in my tracks. I’d been having fun venting my feelings and expected you to agree with me — that’s what all of my friends tend to do, especially relaxing over a bottle of wine.
“Because of the respect I have for you, I knew that you would not have said that without good cause. The realisation that you might be right quickly redirected my thoughts (and emotions) down a completely different route.
“After a little reflection, I decided to adopt a new constructive frame of mind. Sonja was determined to do a great job, and I was endangering that. What I needed to do was help her to do an even better job and that my proposal would help her to do that. Rather than focusing on what I wanted, instead, I put effort and energy into boosting her agenda.
“Once I’d made the decision, everything immediately became easier. It wasn’t difficult at all. In fact, everything simply slotted into place with a few conversations and emails. In the end, Sonja got a big result, and so did I. Actually, I got more than I ever dared hope for. Sonja now wants to role-model my proposal and get more involved.
“One of the big lessons from this is that it wasn’t Sonja who was getting in the way, it was me!”
This is not an isolated occurrence. Quite often, I state that one of the main objectives of my workshops is to help delegates to explore their challenges from many different angles. Once they start to do this (with an open mind), new possibilities immediately present themselves.
The Gautrey Influence Blog
Ever felt overlooked, unheard, or stuck in office politics? You’re not alone. The Gautrey Influence Blog breaks down the real-world strategies behind leadership, influence, and power—giving you the tools to be heard, respected, and successful. Join 35,000+ professionals getting ahead the smart way—subscribe now.
💡 Benchmark your Influence: Take the Master of Influence Assessment (Free for Subscribers!)
👉 [Subscribe & Take the Assessment]
In Nita’s case, her drive and determination to get her result was clouding the evidence with emotions. This is a very common experience for ambitious people. Fired up with passion and enthusiasm, they miss the inevitable truth that others may have different views and ideas which are quite legitimate.
The most successful people have learned to pause when they hit a challenge and inject some objective thought. You cannot (and should not) deny your emotions, but you can become more aware, let them have their moment, and then get down to business.
So, next time you get angry and frustrated with a stakeholder, ask yourself these questions:
- What is their actual purpose or agenda?
- How are you frustrating their progress?
- How are they trying to help you?
- What if they are actually your friend?
- How might your agenda help their agenda?
- What might Colin say about this situation?
- What action can you take that might turn them into your number one fan?
Note: If you have a friend who is angry and frustrated with a stakeholder, do them a favour and share this article with them.
I’m not so naïve to think that there is always a way you can turn an adversary into a raving fan, but it has to be worth a determined effort.
Most of the time, the responses you get from others is largely caused by the attitude you hold. The easiest way to change the responses you get is to change your attitude.
Now, how are you going to change your attitude today?
The Gautrey Influence Blog
Ever felt overlooked, unheard, or stuck in office politics? You’re not alone. The Gautrey Influence Blog breaks down the real-world strategies behind leadership, influence, and power—giving you the tools to be heard, respected, and successful. Join 35,000+ professionals getting ahead the smart way—subscribe now..
💡 Benchmark your Influence: Take the Master of Influence Assessment (Free for Subscribers!)
👉 [Subscribe & Take the Assessment]