Ego states from the field of Transactional Analysis is one of those enduring models that returns time and again to my work as a coach.
The high-level summary is that when we engage with another person we think and act either as a parent, adult or child. They respond likewise, but perhaps from a different ego state. Thus, someone who presents as a parent will patronise and attempt to elicit the child in the other person. That person may or may not respond with the desired ego state (child) and thus the game begins.
In the professional world, what TA is always at at pains to encourage is exchanges between adults, where grown-ups work with each other as equals, dealing with the facts.
Now, as someone who is self-aware, you can make deliberate choices about how you are going to act towards anyone else. For instance:
- You can choose to throw your toys out of the park/stroller.
- You could decide to set your emotions to one side and encourage reasoned debate about the facts.
- Perhaps, you may prefer to force others to do as you tell them to do.
Or, you could just respond with whatever state gets triggered without thinking.
In my book, I don’t think it needs to be Adult-Adult all the time. Gets a little boring doesn’t it?
Sometimes, why not have some fun and play?
Isn’t it okay to be gruff and tell people off, to get the point across? In a humorous manner of course! Or even better, respond initially as a child when someone disappoints you, rise up and tick them off a little, then settle down to a serious discussion about what happened and what you can both agree to as a way forward.
What is not okay, is being oblivious to the ego state you are presenting or responding with and, the effect it can have not only on others, but your own objective. Especially when the result is important, choose states deliberately to create the effect you need.
So come on, jazz it up a bit, brighten up the world around you and have some fun while banging in those results!
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