All relationships hit the buffers at some point, both at work and in our personal lives.
Our ability to manage these problems when they arise has a significant bearing on our general enjoyment of life, and of the people in our lives.
It also has a bearing on our success because, let’s face it, not much progress is ever made in isolation – we all need to collaborate and work with others, both at home and in our professional lives.
Having been working with quite a number of people in recent weeks, I thought it might be helpful to share a brief outline of the key areas where conflict can arise, and a simple process to move towards a resolution.
The Four Areas of Conflict
When you have a problem with someone, it is likely to be due to way you react emotionally to differences between you in one of four areas:
- Values: Core values shape who we are and what we do. Based on heritage, and community influences, these deeply held beliefs are the subconscious drivers of difference. If big differences occur here, we simply don’t understand them, can’t work out what makes them tick.
- Goals: Influenced by values, we each determine what we are shooting for in life, and in work. When we need to work with someone with a conflicting agenda, this can hit hard. Most likely, this conflict manifests in a win/lose dynamic that can derail the best of us.
- Actions: What people do is fertile territory for difference of opinion. Opposing strategies to achieve a common goal rankle. Scuffles around the edges can sour otherwise good relations, especially when people start to dig their heels in – on both sides.
- Style: Even if we can agree on all other areas, the way people act may jar. Personalities differ widely, even if actions are agreed. The way people engage with others creates a major disturbance to the emotions that gets in the way of effective collaboration. In most cases, style clashes create a major distraction from the differences in the other areas of conflict. You have to get past this before you can see and deal with the other problems.
My contention is that if you can accurately identify where the material differences lie, you can do something constructive about it.
In all areas above, I have known people enjoy and benefit from working relationships where the differences have been extreme. But, that takes skill and an investment of time and effort.
Resolving Relationship Conflicts
In the ideal world, achieving (or restoring) harmonious relationships requires a more or less linear process for both parties, side-by-side.
- Lay aside the emotional reaction to the differences.
- Generate awareness of the material nature of the differences, and explore the consequences for both parties.
- Negotiate change and/or acceptance (and tolerance).
- Agree concrete actions to implement a way forward.
- Regularly review and adjust progress.
Now, while it is ideal that this is done side-by-side, the intensity of the emotional reaction will vary on each side. Curiously, at the extreme end when you have personality clashes (largely differences in style) the way each individual feels can vary dramatically. I would even go so far as to say that personality clashes are usually one-sided affairs (but more on that at another time).
Taking Ownership and Control
Since you cannot always influence the other person to step with you towards a resolution, you can at least get started yourself, and take some control here.
Lay aside your emotions, consider each of the four conflict areas to identify points of difference. Consider if these differences really matter as much as your feelings would have you believe. Then decide what to do next.
It may be that all you need to do is adjust your emotional reaction to who they are, how they behave or the actions they are taking.
Perhaps, the only problem is you, and the only change necessary is entirely within your control!
The Influence Profile
When it comes to understanding differences in style, and potentially avoiding personality clashes, by far the best tool available is the Influence Profile.
For the foreseeable future, this is now available free of charge, so you can use it to:
- Understand how your style differs from those around you, especially those you are having difficulties with.
- Build awareness of why others may be the way they are, and perhaps, learn to accept them as they are.
- Decide how to adapt your behaviour to lessen the risk that they will have a problem with you.
- Transform the quality of your relationships, at work and in life.
- Enjoy working with people who are very different from you.
Give it a go yourself, then share it with those around you. Getting your colleagues and friends, or team members up to speed will help you to all grow together, and work together even better.
If you’ve done it before, do it again and see what’s changed. It only takes 10 minutes and I’ve lined up some resources to hold your hand through the process and begin to start developing your ability to navigate differences in style.
Soon, you’ll have no excuse but to have the best of relationships!
The Gautrey Influence Blog
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