When you are facing up to dealing with difficult people, many thoughts and emotions crowd in. These tend to be negative – about them and the situation.
“How could they behave in such a way? They are so blinkered! So frustrating – they just ignore me. They shouldn’t treat people like that. They’re rude.”
And so it goes on. Time passes. The problem persists and the emotions become entrenched – automatic reactions.
Totally understandable. After all, you’re there trying to do a good job, help them even. Yet this is the way they treat you.
Trouble is, they may well be thinking and feeling similarly towards you. Sorry, yes, they may think you are a difficult person. Warped though that idea may seem, it could well be their reality.
Which provides you with a wonderful opportunity to shift things. You cannot force them to change, but you can force yourself to change.
Here are six common attitudes that you could change to significantly alter the future:
I’m Right, You’re Wrong
To maximise success with difficult people, it is helpful to set aside from the natural attitude that you are in the right, and they are in the wrong. That may well be the case, but adopting that (self-righteous) attitude is going to get in the way make them bristle.
Doing the Right Thing
Extending the previous point, if you adopt the belief that, however much you disagree with them, that they are doing what they believe to be the right thing, that will free up some of your emotional investment.
Hear and Feel Them
Covey said “seek first to understand” and I’ll add, “feel for them in their position.” Again, you don’t have to agree, just empathise that they are doing their best, trying to do what they believe to be right.
Acceptance, Acknowledgement and Agreement
Accept that they have the human right to make the decisions they are making. Find a way to openly acknowledge their position, without appearing arrogant or patronising. None of this requires that you agree with their position, it just helps move the relationship to a place where they may be willing to accept your position and get down to problem-solving.
Lead a Horse to Water
What gives you the right to force them to drink from the fountain of your wisdom? Compelling others to your point of view, as we have seen with influence, at best, gets reluctant compliance not commitment.
Control and Self-Empowerment
Since you cannot, or shouldn’t control them, who can you control? You. You can decide what attitudes and approaches to adopt. You can control your reactions to their moves or words. So, this becomes a rallying call to empower yourself to rise above the emotional problem, take control of what you are going to do, and then execute (no, hot them, your plan silly!).
Personally, I think if you are facing up to a difficult person, if you can do justice to any these points, you will be much more likely to transform what would otherwise become an extremely harrowing episode.
The Gautrey Influence Blog
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