There is a particularly unhelpful undercurrent flowing beneath the surface of many influencing attempts.
Over the last few weeks I have spoken to many people. It is part of my research into the challenges that are holding people back from success. In many of them, I am getting the feeling that they hold the opinion that the person they wish to influence is wrong.
For example, Jane. She wanted to know how to influence her boss, Lukas. She wanted him to support a particular project she was desperate to get off the ground. Jane took me through the rational argument. It was a no-brainer, “Why doesn’t he get it? It’s obvious we should do it!”
As we talked I could feel the emotions beginning to rise. It became apparent that Jane thought that Lukas was being stupid not listening to her. She didn’t say as much, but she got pretty close.
People are far better at reading body language than many realise. Even if they can’t explain it, people will be able to feel what is really in the mind of the other person. I wonder what clues Lukas was observing in Jane – and how he was reacting? Few like to be thought of as an idiot, and most people don’t like to be proved wrong, despite what they may say to the contrary.
Undercurrents like this create a drag on the influencing effort. It was hard to begin with and Jane was likely making it even more difficult. And that’s before we consider how her negative thoughts were affecting her emotions, attitude and perhaps, her health.
Think about the people you are trying to influence. Be honest, are you thinking they are wrong in opposing you? Have you discounted the possibility that they could be right to resist your influence?
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If you are secretly harbouring the belief that you are right and they are wrong, you are probably one of the vast majority of people. Yet that does not help you – it hinders your progress.
What is needed is more objectivity, and a few new habits.
Cultivate the habit of regularly asking yourself:
- If you were in their shoes, why might you say no?
- What else might they know that could mean they are right to say no?
- How can you adopt a more objective position to the decision they need to make?
If you can get comfortable adopting this mental position it will soon begin to show. Instead of the subtext of emotional win-lose, you will be able to communicate and influence in a more straightforward manner. And that will be appreciated.
Now, you may have read this and thought, “Okay Colin, but they are wrong!” In which case, you might be right, but then again, you could be wrong.
Chill, relax, be objective, be human and smile – it’s only work.
Colin Gautrey
Provocative Coach/Mentor | Specialism: Impact and Influence
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