Earlier this week we had a lively debate in the Let’s Talk on Emotional Distraction. One of the areas we discussed what the structure of relationships and particularly, the areas where difference can interrupt the relationship. I first wrote about this a few months back in Diagnosing Relationship Problems.
In my experience, often it is the behaviour of other people that starts to trigger negative emotions, and they can disguise other differences and set the scene for stress and angst.
When I asked clients on Monday what triggers their emotions, a whole raft of things came up. Some said when people are dishonest, others mentioned the blatant manipulation by the other party. For me, it’s when people try to control or prevent me from doing what I wish to do.
The upshot of my reflections this week is the observation that what is actually happening here is that the behaviour of others is (apparently) threatening our values, whatever they may be. Since behaviour arises from our values and beliefs, when we feel our negative emotions being triggered it is because we sense, rightly or wrongly, they they hold different values.
Now, while you cannot change other people’s values to suit yourself, you can take steps to mitigate the effect people with different values can have on you, and thus, retain your composure and resourcefulness when others are apparently threatening your values.
The first step to doing this is awareness. Watch how you get triggered. Consider what that might mean for your values. Then ask yourself, is this real or imagined!
Anyhow, don’t forget, you are still welcome to join us in Let’s Talk: Handling Difficult People. The next session, on Monday 2nd August (6pm UK), will focus on behaviours that distract, and will make use of the framework underpinning the Influence Profile.
To get the opportunity to join the live event, all you need to do is purchase access to Client Confidential. Since it will only be a small group, places will be allocated to eligible clients on a first come, first served basis, when the full details are published the week before the event.
For eligible clients, here is a list of snippets and resources compiled and stimulated by our discussions on Monday.
- The Structure of Engagement: My presentation on the areas of similarity and difference that provides clues when things are not right.
- What Triggers Your Emotions? My reactions to what clients shared about what triggers them.
- Pros and Cons of Negative Emotional Reactions: Considering the positive benefits you gain from negative reactions, and what you may lose by taking control.
- Interrupting Your Emotional Reaction: Looking at way to create space between stimulus and response.
- Restoring the Logic: Simple process to use that is proving effective at restoring (relative) calm in just a few moments.
If you want access to these, you need to purchase Client Confidential or be an eligible client, and be logged in.
Colin Gautrey
Provocative Coach/Mentor | Specialism: Impact and Influence
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